On the Ministry's Misclassification of Pygmy Puffs
by Mouse and Stupid Productions
Summary: This is a companion piece to I Solemnly Swear I Am Up to No Good. Pygmy puffs have been hideously mischaracterised by the Ministry for Magic as "vermin" and Scorpius Malfoy is determined to fix this grievous error.


**A/N: Okay, so this is a companion piece to my much longer story _I Solemnly Swear I Am Up to No Good_. This was written on request, and I hope those who read it find it entertaining if nothing else. Enjoy! (also, review!)**

Beast Division, Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures

Ministry of Magic, London, UK

To Whom It May Concern,

During the fall of 2024 I found myself briefly employed in your division. While there, I discovered the horrific misclassification of a creature known as the pygmy puff. I am aware that the puffs came into existence due to a flout of the Ban on Experimental Breeding as perpetrated by Mssrs Fred and George Weasley in the summer of 1996, and that the original puffskeins from which they descend are classified as vermin. However, over the past nine years, I have had ample opportunity to observe these pygmy puffs and have come to the conclusion that it is a grievous error on the Ministry's part to continue to classify these creatures as vermin.

Pygmy puffs are fiercely loyal creatures with individual personalities not all that dissimilar from our own. They also have a complex social structure and governmental system that bears further observation and investigation as perhaps our own Wizengamot might learn from their example. Pygmy puffs break off into clans based on their hereditary colouring which gets much more varied the longer the "infestation" is allowed to exist. Currently at my residence, we have puffs in every colour of the rainbow from neon green to violet to fuchsia to gold and everything else you could possibly imagine. Each clan sends a representative to their parliamentary counsels which are headed by the elected puff who controls the entire fleet. The elected leader must be a direct descendent of the original bloodline to form the "infestation" although the turnover rate for the elected official is on an annual basis. The leader's role involves settling conflicts and hearing the petitions of the parliament, although for the most part each clan is allowed to do what it wants.

The exceptions to their free will are over crimes of passion and crimes of honour. Just like us, puffs occasionally find themselves in a position of being cuckolded (which, let's face it, doesn't sit well with anyone ever) and regrettably they have been known to take drastic measures of revenge. In this event, puff law mandates a gladiatorial match by the perpetrator and the wronged party. In the event of a murder most foul, the wronged party is represented by a volunteer from its clan. These gladiatorial matches are not always fights to the death and there are certain protocols in place to ensure the continuation of the puffs in the arena. Crimes of honour are a different matter, however, and usually involve the rather archaic practice of arranged marriage which is rampant in pygmy puff fleets. I've come to the conclusion that they arrange marriages so they might acquire more interesting or pleasing colours in their fur, which has also led to the conclusion that pygmy puffs have a better grasp on inherited genetics than most wizards. However, like us, pygmy puffs feel love and, unlike us, they mate for life. In the event that a puff flouts the arranged marriage, a gladiatorial match is necessitated between the flouter and the intended spouse. Usually, these are arranged so the intended spouse comes out victorious, but if the puff fighting for love wins, it is usually subjected to a court case. I have yet to see a jury convict this crime and I believe it to be a mere formality of their legal system.

I have also found pygmy puffs to be beneficial to a household. They make excellent dust mops, and every single surface in my house gleams whether or not we clean them. They also manage to prevent other vermin from setting up shop. I live in a Muggle-built house and never once have we had a problem with mice, or cockroaches, or any of the other sorts of horrible creepy-crawlies that tend to inhabit Muggle dwellings. Conference with the Hogwarts caretaker has led me to believe this is also the case in the school where the pygmy puff infestation has been on a steady incline since 2021.

Even beyond this, puffs make excellent care givers. While I would never be so lax as to leave my children in the sole care of the pygmy puffs, I do feel better knowing that they are present. Every morning, I find they have formed a living blanket on my girls and my niece. Due to their gladiatorial combat training, they also make fierce protectors in the event of untoward circumstances. The puffs in my home once swarmed and removed a burglar from our entryway before he could take more than three steps inside. They carried him into the front garden and pitched him into the road while others came to wake me and inform me of the problem.

Due to their habit of eating only chocolate buttons, I recently discovered that pygmy puffs have actually achieved agriculture. One of the employees of my company offered our puffs a cacao seed – miniaturised of course – and they've managed to grow their own cacao plantation in our side garden. I once discovered them processing the chocolate over the fireplace at which point – out of fear for their safety as puffs are rather flammable – we acquired them a chocolate processing facility and had it miniaturised. They have since set up shop in the laundry next to the cacao plantation and have thereby become self-sustaining. Their ability to reason enough to have a judiciary and governing system and the fact they've managed to become self-sustaining leads me to believe that pygmy puffs have been grossly misclassified.

In addition to all of this, they have also come up with their own form of artistic expression. By working together with their different colours, the puffs have achieved a form of synchronised tapestry weaving. To them, I'm sure it seems like a form of ritual dance, but from a human vantage point, they paint a moving illustration of the pygmy puff's lore. Pygmy puffs and wizards are well on their way to a beautiful symbiotic relationship that is being stunted by the Ministry's classification. It is my sincerest hope that this error might be remedied in the near to immediate future.

If you have any further questions regarding pygmy puffs, please contact me at my office at MadCap Industries. If you would like further references for my credibility, please contact my mother-in-law, Hermione Weasley.

Thank you for your time,

Scorpius H. Malfoy

Amateur Pygmy Puff Specialist

Director of Investments, MadCap Industries


End file.
